


League of Evil Ex's

by Dangereuse



Series: Tomarry D&D-athon [21]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Harry just wants to find himself a good man and settle down, Hope you brought your dollar bills to roll up into tiny cylinders, M/M, Poor Harry, Put this in a line and sniff it, Scott Pilgrim!Au, Voldemort and his six other split off personalities make horrible exes, they don't know when to let go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:27:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23809141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dangereuse/pseuds/Dangereuse
Summary: Harry just wants to find a nice boy and settle down. And he can't if Voldemort insists on fighting everyone he tries to date.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Tom Riddle | Voldemort
Series: Tomarry D&D-athon [21]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1692079
Comments: 14
Kudos: 255





	League of Evil Ex's

“I’m going to die alone,” Harry mumbled into the breakfast table.

Ron pat his back, spoke through his mouthful. “Don’t say that, mate. You’ll find somebody.” Hermione whacked him on the shoulder with her butter knife and gesticulated angrily. It was a toss up whether she meant to scold him for the sentiment or for talking with his mouth full.

Harry shifted until just one brilliant green eye was exposed. “Oh yeah, how do you figure? Cedric was the best fighter at Hogwarts University and he didn’t even manage to get a punch in when fighting sixteen-year-old Tom! He’s objectively ranked the lowest. Can you think of one person who would even be willing to throw down in a boss fight with Voldemort? Besides Dumbledore. Which, ew. He’s like four hundred years old. The chance of anyone getting through all seven of them is infinitesimal. ”

“I still don’t see what you saw in that dude.” Ron said, shaking his head.

Harry bared more of his face to increase the efficaciousness of his glare. “Not helping.”

Hermione cut in. “Well, Harry, not all fulfillment comes from within a relationship. Maybe you should try being with yourself for a while. Learn who you are. See even if you want to date.” 

Harry made a face. “Hermione, let’s face it, I hate being alone. I spent my whole childhood essentially alone and it _sucked_. I’m a baby adult now, and I don’t have to do that ever again. I’m only as isolated as I want to be, and that’s not at all. I’ve got my friends, and now I want a person.”

“Maybe you could fight for your own right to date?” Ron asked, around a whole square of toast with jam. Harry was idly impressed. He wasn’t sure if Ron did this to annoy Hermione or to rebel against his mum.

“How do you think I got into this mess in the first place?” Harry put his face back down on the table.

Hermione reached over the table and patted him on the back. “Maybe you should try and talk it out like adults?”

***

Harry toed his shoes. “So, what I’m saying is, that I would really appreciate it if you all would stop trying to kill my future dates. This whole defeat of the seven split-off personalities of my ex is just overkill, and I’d like for you to stop.”

The seven of them were lounged around the room. One on his desk chair and two on his armchair, three on his bed, and diary Tom had even condescended to lay on Harry’s beanbag, head and legs dangling off the sides, throwing M&Ms in the air to catch in his mouth. Harry had corralled them all with drinks and snacks after luring them in with a single ‘SOS’ on the group chat followed by complete radio silence. Predictably they’d all started popping up by themselves and in pairs.

“Oh, but Harry,” Voldemort leaned in, where he was holding court on the armchair with another Tom lounging on the arm. Harry thought he looked like a Bond villain. “We all,” he gestured around the room like he was the Obi Wan meme, “never agreed to be exes.” A small murmur of agreement went around the room. 

Harry stomped his foot. “That’s not going to work this time! Hermione already told me breakups don't have to be mutual!”

Voldemort continued as if Harry hadn’t spoken, picking through a small bowl of chex mix searching for all the little garlic loaves and popping them in his mouth with an obnoxious crunch. Harry hated when he did that. “In any case, we certainly don’t see the problem in running off homewreckers from our boyfriend.”


End file.
